We are hurting. We are in pain. We are suffering. We struggle. When we are loose from the bonds many of us overdo it or don't do anything. We are extreme.

These are things I heard the last three days.

How can nature help us to heal? We don't have a medical condition per se as it is a spiritual condition that affects us all. I have been hearing this over and over in the last 6 years I have been coming to Bioneers (in San Rafeal, in Atlanta in '05 and this year in Cleveland, where I was born and grew up). I hear this over and over again in other places. Places that give solutions to this spiritual condition. This place is not recognized by the people that come and speak at Bioneers (at least not openly in the speeches they give publicly). I wonder if I am crazy as I see a connection. I remember that everyone at Bioneers says it is all connected, we are all relatives. I have suggested a speaker or two (Bradshaw and Mellody) but I get no response. Now I am starting to believe that part of me that always lies to me. I always get in trouble when that happens. So I talk about it with people that have had the same experiences as I have had and they identify with my feelings of pain, shame, guilt, anger and lonliness. I am ok. there are people that see and feel the same as me and I know that I am not alone in this world. I know that my higher power is not leading me down a dead end street, that my higher power didn't create me just to throw me aside as a piece of garbage. I know that I still have much to learn. I know that the feelings I am having are in many ways a reflection of the people around me. I learned that much. I can see the cause and effect of that process in my relationships with other people and what happens when I looked in the mirror in the morning. I would say positive affirmations over and over again. I didn't start believeing them until one day I said something nice to someone and they said thank you. IT WORKED! I did it over and over again trying to reproduce the effect, the pleasentness that happened without my thinking inside of me. I was devastated. It didn't happen again. I tried over and over again. I realized after a few days that I had not said my affirmations. Could that be the secret? Could that be the key to this whole STUPID thing? Well they all said you don't know unless you try so I started saying the affirmations every night over and over again. Sort of mechanically, but nonetheless I said them. Out of the blue it happened at the strangest time. Someone came up to me and told me I 'looked' different. My knees buckeled, kind of. I didn't know what to say and so I just smiled. they smiled back and walked away. Now I was really in a pickle. I didn't know what had happened and I didn't have a 'reason' to go up to that person and ask them what they meant. If I did that they would think I was crazy for sure. I was SUPPOSED to know, right? The thing is that night I remembered to say those affirmations. And in the moring I did them again over and over. I think..........no I felt something. I felt good, pleasent, part of instead of apart from, happy, playful and kind of connected. Whatever was happening was happening and I didn't want to question or think about it because I was afraid it would go away or I would lose it or maybe my higher power was playing with me and I needed to hide this pleasentness so he/she would not find it.

there is more because there will always be more until I die. I will never be DONE, I will never know enough. Nature proves this by the fact that after 5 billion years it has not finished the job. I don't know what job it is doing but Nature has not stopped doing it and therefore the only conclusion I can come up with is that it has not finished the job. We get closer when we start to integrate this moment into our behavior/existence. Today I wake up in the morning because my higher power gives me a gift. that simple gift is life. What more is there? There are many many people who struggle to learn this simple way of life because they will die if they don't. Some of these people can help to make that connection between the environmental and social justice movements a complete emotional and spiritual one. Don't get me wrong when I say this. those people are not the only ones that can and have made that connection, but these people can give a perspective about that connection that has NOT been told before. It has only been talked about around the edges. There are truths that need to be said that have NOT been told yet at Bioneers. My belief is that this year came the closest, but no one came out of the closet and identified themselves as one of the shamed ones. If I say it I know I will burst the bubble. There will be all sorts of rationalizations and justifications and minimizing, any and all sayings to make up for what I know to be a loss. Today I heard Nina talk about going thru the pain and I believe we all go thru our own pain with ourselves, but there are people like Nina who share that pain, shame, guilt and anger, in fact they NEED to share it to go thru it, to make it real, to become responsible and accountable to it and for it. There is no other way that I know of for me to get through it. There might be for you and I don't know all the ways of getting thru the process. I do know that it has worked for me and continues to work for me. Everyday I encounter another situation that triggers my pain, wound, anger, shame, me self loathing and dispair. So I go thru it again. Today I got thru it because of YOU. Bioneers helped to fill me with so much positiveness and serenity that I recommitted to my goal of having a Caribbean Bioneers. May 29th in Dominica. I don't know what will get me thru tomorrow if my higher power sees fit to give me another day, but I believe, have faith, no TRUST that I can make it, maybe with your help again, maybe with just my higher power and sometimes I just have to grit my teeth and go for it with nothing but the knowledge that others have done it. The power of example is VERY powerfull. I wish I could tell you about this simple program but they disdain any and all promotion and there are no leaders to get approval from anyways. It all works on the honor system and I will honor them as my brothers and sisters. I can tell you that it uses a few simple principals of living that are repeated over and over again in all of the religions but never seemed to come together in one place like they have in this organization. Everyone in this program gives of themselves without any need or want for anything in return. By the way this program is not Bioneers and I don't think Kenny or Nina is a member, but I don't KNOW that. This program can be used by anyone but certain people have to use it or they die. Everyone in this program did not want to come into this program in fact many people like myself put up a tremendous fight to stay out of this program. This program has thousands of names but it is the same program. I know that many of you reading this can guess what I am talking about. What are you going to do? Are you going to keep it to yourselves or are you going to give it away. The people that started this program actually sought out people who they believed needed this program. IMO our society needs spiritual guides and I don't think there are not enough native peoples to help everyone plus the fact it is not thier responsibility. It is ours. We need to clean up our own mess, another spiritual tenet taught in this program.

I will try and bring this up to the people in Bioneers that I trust again. I believe that it is time to have my dream.